You Know You Want One, Too

If you haven't read this post by The Bloggess yet, you will have no idea what the hell is wrong with me and won't share in the joy and hilarity at all. So check out that link about The Bloggess and her encounter with Beyonce (not the singer!), and then come back.

All right. We're set.

I've had a lot going on here since Make or Break was released six days ago. The holiday weekend, of course, which meant lots of Tom-time, as well as networking and marketing to promote the book. I needed to get paint for the Writing Lair, and Tuesday was spent (all by my little-own-self!) tearing apart the Lair, and painting over the violent green walls with a lovely, soothing "mystic fairy" shade, which is a fancy name for a pale, glowy mauve that doesn't clash with the Lair Chair.

When I'd finished...

Tom: "Wow, no more green. I never liked that green."
Me: "Wait. What??? Then why did you let me paint the room that shade in the first place?"
Tom: (*shrugging*) You liked it.
Me: Hello, have you met me? I can not be trusted with colors. In fact, if I like a color, you should probably go to the opposite side of the color wheel, and go with whatever's over there instead.

Sadly, this is true.

When we went to buy paint, I pulled about twenty colors from the sample rack and handed them, along with the picture we'd printed out of the Lair Chair and the wall behind it, to Tom, telling him to pick his top two. I figured if I only had to choose between two preapproved colors, I might not end up hating it and having to re-do the whole job.

I'll post pictures of the completed Lair soon, here or on Writecrastination. Today, we must talk about... giant metal chickens.

I was thisclose to getting one while we were in Aspen. I saw a man loading one in the back of an SUV. I raced into the nearby home decor shop to find out if they had any more giant metal chickens. Yeah, I got a strange look from the clerk. She mentioned they'd had two, and that was the last one disappearing down the street in the SUV. I'm sure she wondered why the hell they were suddenly having a run on giant metal chickens, because she probably doesn't read The Bloggess. (Her loss. Really.)

Then, Sunday morning, I stumbled my way out of bed and up the hall, aimed straight for the coffee pot. Which, as it happens, is by the sliding glass doors to the deck.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear...

(Yes, and in keeping with the Beyonce the Giant Metal Chicken tradition, the note does say, "Knock Knock Motherfucker." Though Tom did add, in a much less profane manner, "Congratulations, Chickie!")

How incredibly lucky am I to have the kind of guy who will buy me a giant metal chicken??? I'm afraid to ask what he spent on it. But it was totally worth it. He got the bonus of seeing me laugh myself halfway to an asthma attack in the A.M., before my third cup of coffee, which never, ever happens.

Then he showed me he'd also taken the (now) customary "chicken at the front door" picture before moving my new friend to the deck, where I'd actually see it. You know, I never, ever open the front door. Because you never expect it to be a giant metal chicken.

(Don't worry. The neighbors already know we're not quite right.)

Brody stared at the sliding glass door suspiciously for a while, growling. Then I brought the chicken in and put him by the dining room table till I figured out how to fit him in the Lair. A short while later, Brody barked at something while standing near the chicken. This was not a surprise. Brody finds something to bark at every five to seven minutes. The surprising part was the chicken resonated with the bark, essentially becoming a chicken-shaped bark amplifier.

Yeah, I really had to get him to the Lair as soon as possible.

Tom said there were two of these marvels at the market across the highway. He'd originally started to take the other one, but when he moved it, he discovered it had a wasp nest in it. Because wasps started flying out of its butt! OK, I understand he's terrified of wasps, but how freaking awesome is a giant metal chicken who can shoot angry wasps out of its ass????? Though, once I calmed down, I had to admit having a big metal wasp-hive in my Writing Lair was not especially practical. So I began bonding with my new friend.

He needed a name. Obviously. I name almost everything. Things like that. It makes them less likely to break down, catch fire, or explode and send white-hot shards of jaggy shrapnel into your face. I asked friends on Facebook to offer suggestions, but nothing was clicking (not clucking, either).

Finally, Tom said he'd been thinking of a name. Thurston. I considered that. It was almost there. Not quite. I went out on the deck, pondering a surname to go with it. Naturally, I associated Thurston with Jim Backus' character on Gilligan's Island, Thurston Howell III. I started thinking of chicken-related words that started with "H." Nothing.

Then it came to me.

I flung open the door and yelled at Tom, "Thurston Fowl III!"

Nailed it.

Tuesday evening, after painting and restoring the Writing Lair, we brought Thurston downstairs and settled him into his new home. He looked bored. He needed a job. So, I give you...

(Thurston Fowl III, machete-wielding chicken. Nobody messes with a machete-wielding chicken. Nobody.)

(He kind of looks a little like Jim Backus, doesn't he? Mostly around the eyes.)

(Thurston stands guard near the Lair Chair. Yes, he's wearing a lei. It's to distract potential victims from the machete, because he doesn't exactly have anywhere to hide it.)

You just know there's more to his story, don't you? My friend Sabrina suggested his name was Ramon, and he was an ex-cockfighter who went on the run after the Mob offed his hen and chicks. I suspect she may be right. Thurston is in the Poultry Protection Program, hiding from the Mob. I thought he looked like he knew what he was doing with that machete.

Now would be a good time to mention I'd really, really love it if you'd click over to my author page and make use of the buy-links on the right to get your copy of Make or Break. As of today, it's available on the Etopia Press site, which includes a folder with four different e-formats (epub, html, pdf, and prc), something for any device you have, from computer to smartphone to pad/tablet. It's also live on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Print release will be in a few months. And don't forget about my novella, Monsters Unmasked, either. Links are there for that, too.

You should read them because I'm absolutely sure you'll enjoy them. Not because I have a giant metal chicken with a machete. He doesn't shoot wasps out of his butt, but he's still pretty scary, and if I don't sell a lot of books, he's not going to be happy.

Nobody likes an angry giant metal chicken.

UPDATE 9/10/11: The video and photo tour of the Writing Lair is now posted on Writecrastination! Take a look!