All Clear

For those of you who took Tuesday's advice and boarded yourselves in the basement and are reading this on your smart phones... it's safe to come out now.

It seems I entered some sort of fugue state a few days ago, and while there I - or someone impersonating me - made a full cauldron of soup (Yes, a "cauldron." What else could it be?) and chocolate chip banana bread. She/It also vacuumed copious amounts of dog hair from the carpet, and did not guzzle any wine. I know - it is still freaking me out a little bit.

I'm still unsure if it should be attributed to alien abduction or a doppelganger, but the point is that I'm back now. I'm sure you remember me. The cynical, self-centered, apathetic, lazy, wine-swilling, reclusive bitch with all the dogs. Yep, that's me.

I was probably returned because I had to go to the dentist yesterday, for what was the final time, regardless of the opinion of the staff at Otsego Dental. What alien or doppelganger wants to sit through a "full mouth debridement?" Probably none, and definitely not the one who had gained temporary control over my brain.

Hell, I didn't even want to be there. I don't know how long a regular dental cleaning takes. I can, however, testify that a full mouth debridement takes an hour and a half, and leaves your gums looking and feeling as if you're suffering from an advanced case of scurvy. This is what happens when you have not had your teeth cleaned in eight years. The procedure is apparently only slightly less involved than excavating a pachycephalosaurus from a 75-million-year-old fossil bed. I can definitely confirm that it uses many of the same tools.

So, I have returned. The best part about the whole situation is that there is still plenty of soup and some chocolate chip banana bread left. Whoever was handling things in my absence sure made some yummy stuff. And if she'd show up again for a while when it's time to bulldoze junk out of my house so we can get ready to sell it, that'd be awesome, because that's one part of the whole "Leaving Minnesota" adventure that I'm dreading.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled, non-basement-hiding activities.