Don't Tell Me This Is Impossible. Really.

Must. Formulate. Plan.

This needs to be a brilliant, effective, possibly miraculous plan. It must be stunning in its simplicity, and produce quick and impressive results. It should also require little to no effort for reasons that will soon become clear, if you haven't figured it out already.

(Hint: I am incredibly lazy.*)

(*Oops. Guess that's not exactly a hint. More like the answer. You're welcome.)

I need to figure out how to lose twenty pounds without A) any sort of physical activity at all, and B) having to give up any of the foods that make my life worth living (which is most of them).

"A" should be obvious. There are very few reasons worthy of working up a sweat. I can only think of one. Well, maybe two, if you count running from zombies. Assuming I would run. But zombies kind of shamble, so if I did run I wouldn't have to run very fast and probably wouldn't even perspire.

"B" should also be obvious, if you know me even slightly. I am not at all good at sacrifice, willpower, or self-deprivation. I'm more like "Immediate Gratification Girl." If I can either lose a few pounds over the next couple of weeks or eat the sandwich right now, I'm totally eating the sandwich now. Followed by a cookie. And then possibly another sandwich.

I had gastric bypass surgery eight years ago, and haven't had to worry about my weight in all that time. But over the past year or so, the number on the scale has crept a bit above my ideal range... and since I stopped smoking a month ago, it's crept up even more. My surgically reduced tummy-pouch's capacity is probably more than it should be.

But I love what I love. I love carbs.

I've never met a bread I didn't like. (Pausing to consider if I've ever tasted a bread that was icky... Nope. All delicious.)

I love potatoes and pastas. I love salty, greasy and crunchy. I love Hostess Cupcakes and Tim Tam cookies.

I do love vegetables, too, which you would think would be healthy... but they'll probably be smothered in butter or salad dressing. And not the fat-free kind. The blue cheese dressing I have in the refrigerator is something like 160 calories per serving, and 150 of those are fat calories. Because fat calories taste a million times better than non-fat calories.

I'm not willing to give up any of these things. But I really would like to lose twenty pounds.

Now, I could start smoking again. All that coughing probably counted for some abdominal crunches or something. And emphysema and cancer are sort of vague, theoretical, sometime-in-the-future threats, right? But fat/thin, I can see that right now.

However, everybody seems pretty happy and supportive, offering strong endorsements and positive reinforcement for the whole "no-smoking" thing. Plus, I'm not actively poisoning Tom and the dogs anymore. So there's that.

Which means I can't go back to smoking. I suspect that would not be a popular decision.

Maybe it would help if people gave me tangible forms of positive reinforcement to keep me in the ranks of the non-smokers. (i.e. "gifts") (or "rewards") (or "bribes") (Call them whatever you want, as long as they are plentiful.) That would fulfill my immediate gratification needs and not require smoking. Cash is good. Or clean my house. Just a suggestion.

Thinking should burn more calories. I'm always busy in the ol' noggin. My brain is in really, really good shape. It's like the Brain Triathlon up there. But the size of your jeans is not determined by the activity in your brain, but by the magnitude of your ass.

Which is a stupid way to run a universe.

I'm still perplexed. How am I going to lose twenty pounds without exertion or sacrifice? I suppose I should go get another cup of coffee and a Tim Tam and think about it some more.

I'm sure if I think hard enough, I'll burn off the calories in the cookie.