Morons Abound

Rant Warning, Threat Level Crimson.

Because that's the color my face gets when I see stories like the one I'm about to inflict upon you. Threat Level Crimson means you can expect there to be very firm and undiplomatically stated opinions. And swearing. Lots of swearing, in which I will probably blaspheme the name of your personal favorite deity and assorted grandmothers. Well, maybe not the grandmothers. Just the deities.

For a moment, let's consider the concept of selective breeding. Not of humans, because (unfortunately) nobody makes people take an IQ test before they reproduce, but they totally should. Morons are dumbing down our gene pool at an alarming rate. But I'm talking about dogs. The idea is to take the best representatives of a breed, the ones that are strong, healthy, intelligent, and well-tempered... and let them be the ones that produce the next generation of puppies.

Okay, let's get the cute-thing out of the way, in case you haven't clicked on the story link yet:


Yes. I get it. It is cute. It is a teeny-tiny dog, and teeny-tiny things are cute. Dogs are also cute, so this is the cute double-whammy.

I don't know why I click on these links. Really. Because I know it's only going to make my fucking head explode. And the comments made it worse. I'm afraid to go back and see if anybody has chimed in as the voice of reason, attempting to drown out the numerous asshats who had been saying things like, "Awwww, how cute! I want one!"

Let's clarify. This dog is 8 cm tall, I presume at the withers. This (thank you, Google) is slightly over 3.14 inches. He weighs 400 grams. As there are 450-odd grams in a pound, this dog weighs a fair amount less than one pound. The can of green beans in my cupboard weighs 411 grams. It weighs more than that dog. Jesus H. Fucking Roosevelt Christ on a Crutch. It is also taller.

My dogs weigh, collectively, about 285 pounds. I don't think you could get enough of those little dogs in one room to weigh as much as my (healthy) dogs.

There are so many things wrong with that story that I hardly know where to start. I'm sure there are even more than I'll discuss here, but I can't bring myself to go back and look at that shit-pile of a story again to try to identify them.

Dogs. Are. Not. Supposed. To. Be. That. Fucking. Tiny.

If. You. Want. A. Pet. That. Small. Get. A. God. Damned. Guinea. Pig.

Oh, wait. Most guinea pigs are probably bigger. And healthier. Gotta go with hamster, then.

Better yet, if you think a less-than-one-pound dog is a good idea, don't get a pet at all. Because you clearly have the intelligence of foot fungus, and should not be allowed to own any living creature. Also, you should be surgically sterilized immediately, as well as any children you may have already inflicted on the world.

How often do you imagine the tiniest dog in a litter is the healthiest? How 'bout never? Unless all the other puppies in the litter are seriously fucked up, in which case you do the best you can to find them homes that will love them and work with their special needs, then you spay Mama Dog as fast as you can get a surgery appointment.

Yet the people who breed "teacup" anythings - and there is no such thing recognized by a single national breed club - are opportunistic, greedy, manipulative, conscienceless assholes and should all be spayed, neutered, declawed, de-barked and have their ears cropped. Minus anesthesia. Using a disease-ridden spork. They take the tiniest pup-muffins out of each litter and choose them for their breeding stock. Because tiny-tiny parent-dogs mean tiny-tiny baby-dogs. Hydrocephalus? No big deal. Heart defect? Hypoglycemia? Liver shunt? As long as they live long enough to make puppies, who cares?

Do you even want to guess what this puppy would cost in the pet store? It's fucking insane.

What do you think are the odds that this puppy, who is now six months old and hasn't grown since he was two months old, is - or will ever be - neutered? Hey, he's a world record holder. Famous. Big bucks to be made from his tiny-tiny sperm.

We were just talking at work today about a particular breed of dog that has recently started showing up in "miniature" and "toy" varieties, without any endorsement of the national breed club in question. I said, hey, I'm getting old, and a toy golden retriever sure would be great. I could carry it around in my purse and everything. I was, of course, oozing sarcasm from every pore. But if you're unethical enough, and if you don't care about the health of the animals you breed, you sure can make an ass-load of money. Because there are always people stupid enough to a) shop at a pet store, and b) go, "Awwwwwwwww, isn't da widdle puppy-buppy adowable???" and then whip out the AmEx card and pay the equivalent of two months' mortgage for the privelege of having this defective, sickly status symbol.

Pet stores, whole 'nother rant. Ditto for people who breed grossly over-sized dogs, too. A Rottweiler is not supposed to be 175 pounds, for example.

Some days, I almost give up. We work so hard to expose puppy mills, over-vaccination, inferior foods, cruel training practices, and other atrocities. Sometimes I think we're making progress. Then I see stories like that, and read, "Awwww, where can I get one of those?" and I want to rip my own brain out through my nostrils.

It's not the puppy's fault. It never is.