Don't Cue the Duck: UPDATED X2

Dear Aflac,

Do not bother to instruct any of your agents or representatives to call or drop by my clinic. It will be an enormous waste of your time, and it will also piss me off.

Why the hostility, you wonder? Interesting story.

Ever since we opened in 2005, representatives have dropped by from time to time. I usually smile vacantly, let them talk, agree to accept some helpful handouts and rate charts, and they go on their merry ways, able to report they'd talked to somebody. I'm sure they have some sort of quota.

Something you need to know about our practice, though. We're young, and we're a specialty clinic. In this economy, we're working our asses off trying to keep the doors open. Well, okay, some of us are working our asses off. And by "us," I don't mean "me," because lately I've been a bit distracted by trying to formulate excuses to leave early and work on my book. But work is being done. Just not by me. Bottom line is that we do not offer health benefits. Yet. No can afford-o.

But the fact that Aflac people keep showing up and calling, despite being told several dozen times that we are not interested, isn't why I'm pissed.

Today, my technician working the front desk paged me. Did I want to talk with Courtney from Aflac? No. No, I did not. Take a message. Stick it on my mailbox upstairs. Later, I will come get the message. Then I will drop it in the recycling bin on my way back to my office. But by all means, take a message.

A minute later, my tech pages again and tells me that Courtney says it is about a claim, and they need to speak with the owner. Hmm. I do have an employee on a medical leave of absence right now, but it's not work-related. (Pregnant, car accident, broken pelvis, pre-term labor, it's a nightmare) But if there's any chance it might have anything to do with that, I should find out. Fine.

Me: Thanks for holding, this is Lori. How can I help you? (Because I'm totally polite like that. I even smile when I say it so it sounds like I actually mean it. Old receptionist trick.)

Courtney: This is Courtney with Aflac. I need to speak with the business owner, please.

Me: She's not available at the moment. I'm her Practice Manager. I understand this pertains to a claim. In that case, I'd be the one who would take care of that. (Along with every other fucking thing, except when I'm sneaking away to write the book. If it has to do with insurance, I'm the go-to girl unless it involves signing the premium check. Oh, wait, I do that, too. At this point, I don't think our bank would even recognize Dr. Vet-Friend's real signature.)

Courtney: I'd still need to speak to the business owner to get her permission to discuss this matter with you.

Me: (Grrrrrr.) Well, if you can hold, I'll see if I can locate her. (She was sitting six feet away from me, playing Bookworm Deluxe on the other computer. We had already discussed Courtney-From-Aflac and determined that I should speak with her and get rid of her as soon as possible so I could help DVF devise a strategy for using up the scary flaming red tiles that were piling up on Bookworm. Plus, it was getting to be time for us to go out for a smoke break.)

I told DVF that she was going to have to talk with Courtney-From-Aflac, which she'd probably already figured out. She rolled her eyes, I transferred the call the whole six feet from my desk to where she was sitting, and their conversation went like this:

DVF: This is Dr. Vet-Friend (only she used her actual Doctor-Name).

Courtney: Are you the owner of the business?

DVF: Yes, I am.

Courtney: I need to speak with the person who handles insurance matters and makes financial decisions.

DVF: That'd be Lori.

She transferred her back to me.

Me: Oh, hi Courtney. You're back. (Dumbass. I told you I was the one you had to talk to. But did you believe me? Nooooo.)

Courtney: Are you authorized to make decisions for the business?

Me: (I thought we aready covered this. Yes!) Yes, I understand this has something to do with a claim?

Courtney: I wanted to talk to you about scheduling a time for a 15-minute presentation about...

Me: You told my front desk staff that this was about a claim. (Which is the only fucking reason I'm talking to you right now, you sneaky, lying weasel.)

Courtney: No I didn't. (Yes, I swear, she actually said that.)

Me: Well, we're not interested in having you come in and do a presentation.

Courtney: May I ask why not?

Me: No, that is not relevant.

Courtney: Surely you can spare 15 minutes to...

Me: (Yep, I interrupted her. Because I'd tried polite, and it didn't work. But I had one last semi-polite reply left in me, which I probably should have saved for someone more deserving, but I wasted it on Courtney-From-Aflac.) Please, please just accept it when I say we are not interested, okay?

Courtney: So you don't even care about your employees enough to spend 15 minutes...

Me: Okay, we're done talking now. (Click.)

DVF and I sat there, incredulous that Courtney tried such a slick stunt, then upped the sneaky-bitch factor even higher by pulling the "you don't care about your employees" bit.

No, Courtney, I hate my employees. They're all lazy and worthless, and I hope they all suffer horribly from lack of Aflac. Wouldn't our little chat have been much more interesting if I'd said that to you, even though I love my employees, especially when they don't screw up their timecards and when they bring me chocolate?

Anyway, Aflac, keep your representatives away from me, in person or by phone. Because even if I were interested in insurance options right now - which I am not - I would not deal with Aflac. Either you encourage the kind of unscrupulous and obnoxious behavior exhibited by your representative, or you foster an environment where she has to resort to such tactics in order to keep her job. Either way, I don't like it.

I will decide to like Aflac the same day I decide Cody Canada is icky, and as anybody who has ever met me can tell you, that is so totally never going to happen.

But, hey, I do want to thank Courtney for one thing. I needed something to blog about.

UPDATE 6/11: Wowzer. In less than 12 hours, an Aflac agent found this post and commented defending the company and bemoaning agents like Courtney that make them look bad. And I got an email from the company's Customer Communications Manager, direct from Aflac Worldwide Headquarters (which I picture in a hollowed-out mountain somewhere, or possibly a garage) apologizing and offering to put me on their do-not-call list. So I shall no longer be plagued by sneaky-ass Courtney or anyone like her. Which might or might not bum me out, because I've been pondering the many ways in which I might mess with her if she had sufficiently poor judgement or faulty long-term memory and called me again.

PS: In my reply to Mr. Communications Manager, I also suggested he find Courtney and smite her. Because I believe in cosmic justice, as well as swift and blinding retribution. So, we'll see.

UPDATE 6/12: Un-fucking-believable. My admin just paged. She just had to tell TWO AFLAC REPRESENTATIVES to leave. They came in (oh, pitiful, clueless potential victims of my wrath) to chat. She told them we don't deal with Aflac due to Courtney's offensive behavior. Apparently Mr. Communications Manager's memo has yet to go out. Still hoping Courtney gets smote.