Pain Report

"Well, I wish I was a vampire So I could stay out all night long..." --- Willy Braun, from lyrics to "Back Around" by Reckless Kelly

Vampirism and a life lived in the eternal sunless night is sounding awfully appealing at the moment.

My pain level of my sunburned shoulder as I slung my computer bag over it to head out the door to work this morning, on a scale of 1 to 10: 4.75

Tom's pain level on his fire-engine red back, which was glowing so brightly with radiant heat that I almost needed sunglasses to view it, as I oh-so-gently applied aloe vera gel last night, on a scale of 1-10: 46.9 BILLION.

Seriously, I used tons of aloe, and attempted to not so much as allow my hands to penetrate the full thickness of the gel so as not to create any friction on his skin, yet there was still trembling and whimpering. I've known him for over 26 years, and I've never, ever seen him this scorchy.

I'm starting to think that life as one of the bloodsucking undead has a certain appeal. No more sunburn, ever. Well, I could have one, but it would be instantly fatal, which is preferable to what Tom is going through at the moment.

There are other benefits to being a vampire, too. No more aging. I would never have to agonize again over gray hair, wrinkles, or saggy anything.

I'd have super strength and nearly instantaneous healing.

I'd have a perfect, glowing, alabaster complexion and a delightfully creepy glamor. I would have the ability to hypnotize people to do my bidding. (This last thing allows many vampires to accumulate enormous wealth.)

Being a vampire is a totally excellent excuse for never being forced to enter any church for any reason.

I could order my entire wardrobe from slutty costume websites. (I look great in black, purple or red - traditional vampire fashion colors.)

(Sample of my future wardrobe)

(Or maybe this? Nah, prob'ly not. Or maybe for special occasions.)

I would have minions. I've always wanted minions. If I really, really like somebody, I could turn that person into a vampire, too, and keep them with me forever. If I hated somebody, I would just have to sit back and wait, because sooner or later their puny little mortal life would expire. Or I could have them for dinner. But I suspect that drinking someone you hate might cause acid reflux.

I admit, there are some drawbacks. No more butternut squash ravioli with asparagus, what with the liquid diet and all. Plus, said liquid diet does involve some contact with humans, which I prefer to avoid. But at least I can hypnotize them and they'll forget they ever saw me. I'd have to be able to avoid hordes of stake-wielding villagers, but that's what my minions are for.

Most of the current vampire manuals (read: novels, because even though I'd really like to believe that the undead lurk among us, I am aware that they probably do not) seem to agree that vampires do, in fact, cast reflections, so no worries about getting your blood-red lipstick on straight because you don't have a reflection in the mirror. These books are pretty divided as to whether or not vampires can fly. Some say no, others say only once you've been a vampire for a few centuries or so. I do not, however, want to have to turn into a bat. I want to fly, but only if I can sprout big, black, scallopy, lacy wings to do it.

Best of all, though, is that I could still enjoy my pool under cover of darkness and never have to deal with sunburn ever again. I don't currently use my pool much at night, despite the decadent appeal, because Minnesota is the mosquito capital of the universe. But mosquitoes wouldn't like vampires because of all that recycled blood and lack of exhaled carbon dioxide (which is how the little buggers track us down).

If you ever notice that I only seem to be online between dusk and dawn, you'll know what happened.