Over a Decade of Cyberfriends

I got my first computer for Christmas in 1996. It soon became overwhelmingly clear that I was going to be a cyber-junkie. I hadn’t yet re-entered the work force after our relocation to Minnesota that summer, and I had a lot of time on my paws. I immediately gravitated toward the dog lists, and spent about six months sometime after that working on genealogy, something my older sister took over with a vengeance and has turned into one of the largest network of free genealogical web pages known to mankind. I originated the website and newsletter for my golden rescue group, and I also created and maintained the official web page for mystery author Virginia Lanier (now deceased), and still maintain a Yahoo group devoted to her work.

But whether it was dogs, genealogy, books, weight loss surgery or relationship support groups, one thing has always been true; I’ve made a lot of friends.

One of my very first cyberfriends all those years ago was Jean-Marie’s Mom in Floridog (It’s a dog list, and believe me, we have our own vocabulary! Or our dogs do. Never mind; it’s a long story!). Though we have yet to meet, she has been a true friend in every sense of the word. Along with the other Woofers, we’ve shared joys and heartache, and made each other laugh so hard we blew “bevrij alerts” all over our monitors. When we thought Ripley had a cancerous tumor in his eye, and I was stressing about how I’d come up with the money for the ophthalmological surgery (I was at another practice then, we didn’t have a specialist, and unlike my Dr. Vet-Friends, no way could I expect my boss there to help out), Jean-Marie’s Mom sent me a check. Thank doG, the eye problem resolved – the morning of surgery, of course – and I was able to return her check, but I will never, ever forget her generosity and her truly golden spirit. I have a beautiful print she sent me, depicting a brunette woman sitting with a gigantic golden-type dog. It sure looked like either Gulliver (my first Pyr/Golden mix) or – later – our Ruxpin. It hangs in the hallway near the kitchen, and I look at it every day and think of her. We’re still in touch regularly, and we’re both still “woofchatting,” though I don’t keep up with it as much as I should, now that I have Fermented Fur to keep me busy. We’re not “share all your deep, dark secrets” friends, either, but we are completely bonded over all things canine.

So many friends have come and gone over the years, as my interests and life has changed, just as takes place in our “real” lives. Some remain, though, and always will.

My “cybersister” for the past five years (five years???) has been Laurie. Since her name and mine are essentially the same, we agreed I’d retain an old nickname to keep things simpler. In so many ways, this woman and I are so much alike inside our heads that it is spooky. Things that have happened in my life have gone on in hers almost simultaneously. The very words of wisdom she gives me one week, I am able to hand right back to her the next. I really can’t think of anyone else I’ve ever known with whom I could be so absolutely, painfully, frighteningly, 100% candid. This woman knows things about me, things I’ve thought or said or done, that nobody else on the planet knows. Of course, being so close, I know stuff about her, too! But we know how to keep a girlfriend’s secrets, so “what goes on between the Loris/Lauries stays between the Loris/Lauries!” Yet… we have never met face to face. Emails, phone calls, countless pictures, but thus far no visits.

Which brings me to… Laurie, I know you read Fermented Fur when you can find a few minutes between work and husband and kids and who-the-hell-knows-what-else (Leisure Lady, my bony ass!), so when the hell are you going to get UP HERE????? You’d hate the dog density of our tiny house, but there’s a really nice Holiday Inn not 200 yards away! The world just isn’t right until we’ve sat at Rock Wood’s and gotten shitfaced, and had to have Tom come bring us home and tuck us in! I want to listen to Ragweed, Bon Jovi, and the Stones with you, and laugh till I pee my pants. Then maybe we’ll cry just a bit, ‘cause that’s what girlfriends do, then we’ll laugh some more (after we put on fresh pants). Open invitation, Empress. Just come up, OK?

And now, once upon a time, someone told Dr. Vet-Friend One that she should read “Bitter is the New Black,” by Jen Lancaster. Or maybe she just came across it in the bookstore. I have no idea. But one day she tossed the book on my desk and informed me that I had to read this book, that it was the funniest thing she’d ever read, and if I didn’t read it immediately I would totally live to regret it. She was right. I read it. I loved it. I became a Jennsylvanian. While I’ll never in a million years be as ballsy as Jen, I learned that I can write any way I want to, and not how a bunch of “experts” were telling me I should… and Fermented Fur was born.

Because Fermented Fur was born (or whelped, as the case may be), I made another wonderful cyberfriend. While he’s still “new” in the duration of cyberfriendship, just since January, he’s absolutely become one of my favorite people on the planet. You all know him already; It’s Curt, author of While Walking Duncan. Sometimes you just feel a connection with someone, find out you share so many of the same thoughts, feelings, fears, phobias, joys and dreams that you can’t believe you’re not twins separated at birth (and by a half dozen years or so). Well, that’s how I feel about Curt. (Love ya, big guy!)

And this week, it became official. My cyberfriendship with Curt will segue into real-world-friendship in October! I’ll be going to the city where he lives for five days for a veterinary conference (I registered for the program yesterday), and guess who is going to get to go walking with Duncan! (Me, me, me!!!!! Or is it I, I, I???? Who cares? “I” sounds stupid, so I’ll stick with “me,” even if it’s grammatically incorrect.) Actually, I’m figuring on meeting for dinner at a restaurant near my conference location the first night, and other evenings spending some time walking with Curt and Duncan, some yumminess at Curt & Ken’s place (Curt likes to cook! One thing we do not have in common!), and time visiting with Duncan and his kitty-siblings.

I’m so excited I can hardly stand it.

Excitement aside, let me remind all of you that I am not stupid. Not much. Not anymore. Whatever. You might recall the two-part blog I wrote a couple of months ago about a 3-year cyberfriend who turned out to be a gigantic fucking liar, creep, and white-collar criminal. In retrospect, I should have seen it long before I did. He was good, consistent, and obviously a very accomplished liar, but there were still warning signs. Still, I know not to walk into meeting any cyberfriend, no matter how well-trusted, without some precautions and common sense.

I am sure my husband is eight different kinds of freaked out that I will meet a cyberfriend while I’m at my conference. But I’ll just have to do whatever I need to do in order to set his mind at ease, so that he’ll know I’m not blindly blundering out there and into the clutches of another lying cybercreep or psychotic serial killer. We’ll do name, address, license number, personal references, phone calls, I don’t know what… but this guy is NOT the Cybercreep. His life is all out there on his blog, and he’s not one to keep secrets. He’s like Laurie, a genuine, honest connection. I have four more months to allow our friendship to deepen and to discover “trust points” that will make everyone feel more comfortable with our upcoming in-person introduction.

The cyberworld is large, all-encompassing and semi-anonymous (if someone chooses to make it that way). It’s full of a lot of posers and fakes, a lot of nut-jobs and perverts. It’s full of false and even dangerous information. There are predators and victims, crooks and scam artists. But it’s also full of a lot of wonderful, genuine people (and their dogs!), and they’re there for you to meet, online or in person, once you learn how to distinguish the worthy from the dangerous.

Am I going to be careful and rational when meeting anyone in person that I’ve only known online? You bet. Am I going to pass up the chance to meet a wonderful human being, who can be a great addition to my life and a true friend simply because I first “met” them online? No way. You can’t say you’ll never walk in the park because sometimes people are abducted there. You can’t say you’ll never fly, because sometimes planes crash (OK, some people do say that, but they’re unnecessarily limiting their travel options). You can’t say you’ll never have surgery, because sometimes there are complications. You can’t say you’ll never get married, because sometimes people get divorced. Get the idea?

If I ever turn up in a trash barrel at the bottom of a lake, you can all say “I told you so.”

And, no, that’s not funny. But I’m somewhat stumped on how to logical, rational, a tiny bit defiant, and also enthusiastic while still being amusing.

Cyberfriends are not icky or dangerous by default, any more than “real world” friends!