Wednesday, July 02, 2008

"D" is for Disobedient

I said, not long after Darwin joined our family, that I was going to have one heck of a time keeping him out of the pool in the summer. However, with the simple precaution of escorting the dogs clear through the pool area and out into the back yard, then gating them there, we hadn't had any real problems.

Until now.

I think I set the ball in motion last night, by simply being distracted (and hungry) for a few minutes. I came home, and Tom said I should probably put the dogs out in the yard before I ate, because he'd been working out in the yard with the gate open, and they hadn't been out for a while. I escorted the three younger hounds out, but before closing the gate I thought I should grab the water bowl we keep out there and fill it from the hose, because after Darwin does a few laps at his fence he is pretty pant-y. I took the bowl inside the pool area, where I thought the hose was turned on, but when I attempted to turn the knob on the nozzle, I learned it was off. Meh, no big deal. I won't be leaving them out there long. Supper beckoned, and I came back inside.

About ten minutes later, as I was sitting on the Sofur with my half-eaten food, I heard the sound of paws thudding up the deck stairs. I looked over the back of the Sofur toward the sliding glass doors and saw Ozark waiting at the door like a Very Good Dog, waiting to come inside. I didn't expect to see Brody there, because he stays in the yard, finding excuses to bark at stuff, until you issue numerous high-decibel requests for his immediate presence.

I got up to let Ozark in, having the fleeting thought, "Oh, good, I don't have to trudge down the steps to the gate!"

Wait a minute. Why don't I have to open the gate? Ozark didn't open it. Which means...

I never closed it. I quick mental replay of the sequence of events corroborated this fact. Which means...

Where is Darwin? Not on the deck. Hmm, not in the pool, either. Whew. But every inch of cement within four feet of the pool is dark with puddles. Which means...

Darwin decided to go for a swim, absorbed roughly 963 gallons of water, then ran laps around the perimeter of the pool in celebration. But he's not there now. Which means...

He's out running laps along the fence in his doggie motocross course. While soaking wet. Wet, drippy dog plus exposed dirt racetrack equals... the summer variation of Bog Dog.

Sigh. Yep, there he was. And I couldn't even be mad at him, because I was the idiot who left the gate open.

Fast forward to about an hour ago. I put the dogs out in the yard. I shut the gate. I later went down to the gate to let the dogs in. Up until now, opening the gate sent all three dogs galloping neck and neck around the deck, up the steps, straight to the sliding glass door. Upon coming in the house, Darwin routinely plops right down on the air conditioning vent in the floor for a while, before heading to the Big Dog Platinum Drinkwell for a gallon or two of refreshment.

Not today. Today, Mr. Darwin Dog felt he needed (read: "was entitled to") another dip in the pool. Even with me mere feet behind him, yelling, "DARWIN!!!!! NOOOOOOOO! AH-AH-AH-AH-AH!!!!!!" (That last part is my Very Angry, Don't Even Think of Disobeying Me, Scary Dog-Mom War Cry. It did not work.) Down the pool steps and into the water goes Suddenly Deaf Dog. Even with me looming over him and yelling my head off as he had a leisurely paddle around the shallow end, enjoying a slurp or two of pool water, he was not in the least bit disturbed. Finally, he deigned to exit his pool ("Oh? I'm sorry; were you speaking to me?") and allowed himself to be escorted into the house and rubbed vigorously head to toe with a beach towel. Then he plopped down on the air conditioner vent. I went to clean dried water spots off my glasses.

As is always the case, he's way too adorable for me to stay furious.

(Mug Shot: Damp, Disobedient Darwin Dog, fka "Mister Cutey Pants")

Hey, I know yesterday was my fault. I didn't close the gate. I'm at a bit of a loss how to get him back in here when I do close the gate, and he simply out-sprints me to the pool. He is, after all, a furry golden speeding bullet. Perhaps we'll try our old trick of floating a raft in the step area. Except he will probably just cannonball off the diving board if his initial entry point is unavailable.

Best thing for my blood pressure is to just decide I don't care. And keep a beach towel just inside the door. Maybe two.

He is really cute. And I'm an enabler.



Some Horn-Tooting

I installed Google Analytics to track Fermented Fur's statistics on March 13. The blog started the second week of January, but I didn't know about Analytics then. Since I started using it, though, I've been carefully watching who is visiting me, how often, and for how long.

I show 3107 hits, and 4472 page views in that time. (My Bravenet counter shows 6477 hits since it was installed on January 16, but it looks like it counts every page view as a "hit.") According to Analytics, I've had visitors from 47 countries or territories, but that's somewhat misleading, because if you look at their time on the site, the time shows as zero, meaning they clicked on, saw it wasn't what they were looking for, and went on their way. Disappointing, but they don't know what they're missing! The United States, United Kingdom, Canada, France, Germany, Australia, Singapore, Jamaica, and Japan are the only countries shown with significant hits and time on the site. Still, not bad for a new blogger in Minnesota, USA.

But what I'm excited about right now is that I discovered yesterday that at long last I have hits from all 50 states! I've been waiting and waiting, but certain states (North Dakota, South Dakota and Montana) were slow in discovering the wonders of Fermented Fur. My most frequent state visitors are: Minnesota, Michigan (Thanks, FFFan1!), California, Arkansas (relatives), New York, Colorado (Thanks, Curt!), Maryland, and Texas.


States having only one measly visit so far are: North Dakota, Montana and Mississippi. Which means I can make shameless fun and hurl rude insults at these states and all residents thereof, until they get on the FF Bandwagon like they should have a long time ago.

I am a bit bummed, though, that nobody commented on my gardening blog from this past weekend! I know, I know, not one of my funniest, and it was pretty lacking in the canine comedy department... but still! It was sweet and poignant and nostalgic, and it did get a tiny bit funny toward the end, didn't it? And there were lots of purty pictures! Visit. Re-visit. Comment! Really, it was lovely!

Another thing that has me a little disappointed is that I seem to have largely the same regular readers that I've had all along. I think Mackenzie and her family are stopping by now, and I love that! One can never have too many Golden Friends! And I do love all my regular readers. I just sort of thought that by now I'd have a much more thriving readership. I know I could do more to promote Fermented Fur. I could spend a ton of time on the blog listing sites posting things and visiting other blogs and leaving messages... but then I wouldn't have time to write. And I hate people who leave comments all over the place that essentially say, "Hi, I stopped by, come see my blog." Seems like empty, shameless, self-promotion. If I find a blog I like, I visit. Often. I comment. Sometimes I find new friends that way, and at least then it has some significance. But, HEY, you guys can help me! Refer blog-loving friends to Fermented Fur! I wish I could give you each a crisp, new dollar bill for each referral, but you will earn my undying gratitude!

I've thought about "splitting up" Fermented Fur into dog posts and non-dog posts, putting one category or the other into a new blog. But a) that seems like a hell of a lot of work, b) I would hate to have two blogs that were only periodically updated, and c) my dogs and all the other stuff are pretty intricately entwined to make up the totality of my life. As Chief Seattle said, "All things are connected." So, I don't think I'll do that.

That's it. Just wanted to give you all a little update on what's going on behind the scenes at Fermented Fur! Please keep reading, keep referring your friends, and keep commenting. Seriously, comments make my day!

Hopefully, Darwin will do something adorably naughty again soon (other than last evening's sneak-swim-session) so I can write about that, because my daily hits go WAY up when I write about that cute little varmint!

See, you don't love ME at all. It's all about Darwin.

That's OK. He really is adorable.

Turkeys: Our Feathered Friends

I’m not sure I really have anything substantial to say today, but I feel like I should write something. You never know; some of my best posts start out this way. (Ever the optimist. But just look at the photo to the left... it has to be good, right? Turkeys???)

On the way to work this morning, on a 2-lane road a little over halfway to the clinic, traffic was at a stand-still in an area that never has delays. There was a stop light about 75 yards ahead, and I thought maybe the light was out, flashing red, but I couldn’t see it from where I was because I drive a short car in the Land of the Giant SUV. Suddenly, a mini-van flew past me on the right shoulder and stopped a few cars ahead. A guy in a yellow polo shirt leaped out and darted in front of where his van was sitting with its flashers blinking urgently.

As the cars crept forward a few feet, I saw the holdup. There were four gigantic, pterodactyl-sized wild turkeys calmly meandering across the road. It looked something like this,

except you need to mentally subtract three turkeys. I suggest you ignore the three on the right, as they are already off the road, unlike the turkeys in my story. Then relocate the whole scenario to this road:

At this point, I’m wondering how this guy came flying up behind me, somehow knowing the turkeys were there. Did he come from the other way, pass, turn around, and rush back? And – more importantly – why? This is Minnesota, where hunting is practically required by law. (Though I’m fairly sure it’s not Turkey Season.) I start thinking to myself, “If this guy runs up there and grabs a turkey, bashes it in the head or wrings its neck, and tosses it in his van, I am totally going to lose it.”

Yellow Shirt Guy started trying to shoo the turkeys off the right side of the road, and for a moment it seemed as if he might succeed. Was he trying to get them behind the fence in the yard over there so he could commit avian atrocities in private? The turkeys seemed to suspect his motives may have involved plucking and roasting, and resisted his attempts to herd them. They began making their way, at a still un-frantic but slightly more rapid pace, back across the highway toward the left shoulder. Yellow Shirt Guy followed, making sure they were safely off into the brush before motioning to the waiting vehicles that we could proceed. (Are yellow polos the official uniform of the Turkey Patrol? Is there a Turkey Patrol?)

But? Turkeys? They’re birds, yes? And can probably fly, on account of the feathers and the wings and such? So why walk across a busy highway at the height of the morning commute? Could it be, perhaps, that turkeys are not the theoretical astrophysicists of the bird world?

I was relieved that Yellow Shirt Guy was, in fact, herding turkeys in a “gotta protect our feathered friends” way, and not a “yum, drumsticks” way. I was, after all, on my way to work at a practice that is devoted to the gentle care of animals, and starting my day witnessing a turkey massacre would have totally sucked. I might have been so traumatized that I would have had to turn around, go home, and crawl back into bed. This would have had nothing to do with the fact that I only got about four hours of sleep last night.

I really, really need to figure out how to convince my brain to shut down at its usual 9-10 PM – instead of 12:30 AM, as was the case last night – on Tuesday evenings when I get home 2 ½ hours later than usual. Basset Hound under-eye circles are much, much, much baggier with less than 8 hours of sleep.

Oh, no. While thinking, “I need to find a really humorous link between turkeys and sleep to close the post,” I idly Googled “turkeys sleep.” And, may I say… “DUH!” Obvious…

If I am fortunate enough to encounter any wild turkeys, particularly on a Tuesday morning, I should chase one down and throttle it, or run it over with my car, then have it for dinner when I get home, because we all know about the soporific effects of turkey! The whole Thanksgiving Syndrome! The tryptophan in succulent turkey meat is a sleep-inducing substance!

Now I guess if I ever see Yellow Shirt Guy chase turkeys across the road and into the brush, then witness a massive rustling of branches, and see him emerge with a limp, feathery form thrown over his shoulder, I will know he’s not really a cruel, bird-bashing monster. He’s just having trouble sleeping.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Pain Report

"Well, I wish I was a vampire So I could stay out all night long..." --- Willy Braun, from lyrics to "Back Around" by Reckless Kelly

Vampirism and a life lived in the eternal sunless night is sounding awfully appealing at the moment.

My pain level of my sunburned shoulder as I slung my computer bag over it to head out the door to work this morning, on a scale of 1 to 10: 4.75

Tom's pain level on his fire-engine red back, which was glowing so brightly with radiant heat that I almost needed sunglasses to view it, as I oh-so-gently applied aloe vera gel last night, on a scale of 1-10: 46.9 BILLION.

Seriously, I used tons of aloe, and attempted to not so much as allow my hands to penetrate the full thickness of the gel so as not to create any friction on his skin, yet there was still trembling and whimpering. I've known him for over 26 years, and I've never, ever seen him this scorchy.

I'm starting to think that life as one of the bloodsucking undead has a certain appeal. No more sunburn, ever. Well, I could have one, but it would be instantly fatal, which is preferable to what Tom is going through at the moment.

There are other benefits to being a vampire, too. No more aging. I would never have to agonize again over gray hair, wrinkles, or saggy anything.

I'd have super strength and nearly instantaneous healing.

I'd have a perfect, glowing, alabaster complexion and a delightfully creepy glamor. I would have the ability to hypnotize people to do my bidding. (This last thing allows many vampires to accumulate enormous wealth.)

Being a vampire is a totally excellent excuse for never being forced to enter any church for any reason.

I could order my entire wardrobe from slutty costume websites. (I look great in black, purple or red - traditional vampire fashion colors.)

(Sample of my future wardrobe)

(Or maybe this? Nah, prob'ly not. Or maybe for special occasions.)


I would have minions. I've always wanted minions. If I really, really like somebody, I could turn that person into a vampire, too, and keep them with me forever. If I hated somebody, I would just have to sit back and wait, because sooner or later their puny little mortal life would expire. Or I could have them for dinner. But I suspect that drinking someone you hate might cause acid reflux.

I admit, there are some drawbacks. No more butternut squash ravioli with asparagus, what with the liquid diet and all. Plus, said liquid diet does involve some contact with humans, which I prefer to avoid. But at least I can hypnotize them and they'll forget they ever saw me. I'd have to be able to avoid hordes of stake-wielding villagers, but that's what my minions are for.

Most of the current vampire manuals (read: novels, because even though I'd really like to believe that the undead lurk among us, I am aware that they probably do not) seem to agree that vampires do, in fact, cast reflections, so no worries about getting your blood-red lipstick on straight because you don't have a reflection in the mirror. These books are pretty divided as to whether or not vampires can fly. Some say no, others say only once you've been a vampire for a few centuries or so. I do not, however, want to have to turn into a bat. I want to fly, but only if I can sprout big, black, scallopy, lacy wings to do it.

Best of all, though, is that I could still enjoy my pool under cover of darkness and never have to deal with sunburn ever again. I don't currently use my pool much at night, despite the decadent appeal, because Minnesota is the mosquito capital of the universe. But mosquitoes wouldn't like vampires because of all that recycled blood and lack of exhaled carbon dioxide (which is how the little buggers track us down).

If you ever notice that I only seem to be online between dusk and dawn, you'll know what happened.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Icky-Cool Realization


I just realized what's going to happen. Once Tom's sunburn stops hurting, when the skin and associated nerves give up the ghost, he's going to peel. A lot. And it's on his back, meaning he won't be able to reach it. I, the one who loves picking and peeling far more than is normal and/or healthy, will get to peel it for him. I hope. I'm totally like a baboon that way. A really cute, well-groomed baboon.

I am slightly concerned about the big tattoo between my shoulder blades, though. I'm usually meticulous about putting a strong sun block on all my ink before venturing into the sun, and I didn't do it yesterday - for the first time ever. I'm not badly burned, but I'm sure I'll peel a little, and I hope my lovely yin-yang, paw print, Celtic ray design isn't damaged. I'll be severely pissed.

Sunburn Sunday

I’m just going to come right out and say something that you’ve probably surmised if you’ve been paying attention lately: I’m not currently “on the wagon.” Yes. I know. It’s stupid and bad for me, and I should totally know better. I have no excuse for it, other than I’m a moron and a bit of a hedonist, but that’s just how it is right now. I know you’ll worry, or be disappointed in me, but it’s my liver.

OK. So now I can tell the following story, in which vodka has a starring role.

Yesterday was a beautiful, sunny day, just begging for pool time. At the recent Cross Canadian Ragweed concert, we discovered the wonders of Electric Lemonade, which is a fancy name for lemonade with vodka in it. Tom found pink lemonade flavored vodka at the Liquorette, and we commenced to having some delicious, summery adult beverages while floating lazily in the pool. Unfortunately, we ran out of lemonade before we ran out of pink lemonade vodka, but I creatively solved this problem by serving it over lots of ice and an orange Popsicle. (It wasn’t bad!)

Floating and sunning and drinking and listening to music; it was a lovely afternoon. We were going to head in and make dinner (and get out of the sun), but then Tom decided to call his friend Joe in Virginia, because we hadn’t talked to him in ages. He conducted this lengthy chat draped over his raft in the deep end of the pool. Then I decided I was going to venture off my raft and/or the steps in the shallow end and be all Little Mermaid and swim for a while. By the time we went in, I was full of vodka, and tired from the sun and swimming.

This made for an early evening. Shortly after dinner, I went in and sacked out. ‘Long about 8:30 or so, Tom came in and collapsed on the bed, groaning. When I questioned him regarding the nature of his distress, he informed me that his back was absolutely, totally fried. He’s always reacted badly to too much sun exposure. (Think nausea) Combined with the alcohol, as well as the pasta and garlic bread, he was incredibly ill. I know it was mainly the sunburn, though, because he can way out-drink me, and I wasn’t sick.

I started to be very worried. His feet were like ice, and his feet are never cold. He’s like a furnace, even in the depths of winter. It was almost as if he were shocky or something. I got the heating pad, which I keep by my side of the bed for when my back is bothering me, and put it under his feet. Then I got him ice water, ibuprofen, and socks – which I put on his feetsies myself because I am a spectacularly wonderful wife. I asked him if he’d put any aloe on his burns, and he said on his arms and shoulders. When I asked if it had helped at all, he said, “It sizzled.” Not good. I tended to the dogs, and then returned to bed, where Tom was still groaning in misery.

Then, the poor man had to get up at 3:00 AM to go to his store and do inventory before they opened. I never did get back to sleep after he got up. Clearly, neither of us is feeling 100% today. I called to check on him, and he reported still being sick this morning, and that placing his scorched back against the seat of the car was a whole new adventure in pain. Fortunately, I’m not the least bit hangovery, but I am tired and a bit fuzzy around the edges. My shoulders and upper back are slightly burned, but are fine as long as I don’t rub them or anything stupid like that.

No, not the happiest way to begin the week.

What do we learn from this? First of all, too much of anything is very, very bad. Alcohol, sun, garlic bread, you name it. Overindulgence will come back and bite you in the ass every time. It makes me want to hit the “rewind” button and go back to about 1:30 yesterday afternoon, pour half that vodka down the sink (only half, though, because I am not a fanatic), and either slather Tom with SPF 30 or go inside at least an hour before we did. I’d still eat the pasta and garlic bread, because it was extremely yummy.

Bear in mind, though, that just because I learned those things does not mean I won’t do remarkably similar stupid things. I’m kind of like the four-year-old that is told not to put a Matchbox car in the microwave, but who then puts a Tonka truck in there instead. Who knew the results would be so similar? Neither the four-year-old nor I. It’s possible a future post will mention a disaster involving gin, and you’ll say, “Hey, didn’t you learn your lesson with the whole Vodka Incident?” and I will say, “Duh, no; that was vodka and this is gin. Totally different.”

You can see why Tom has yet to figure out the inner workings of my mind. He shakes his head a lot. But not today, because that would stretch his back muscles a little bit and unleash even more sunburn-related pain.

I predict liberal aloe-application to the region of his back that he can’t reach by himself, and maybe some cool compresses, when I get home. Because I might be a moron, but I’m still a darned fine wife. (Plus, he takes such good care of me when I’m sick, drunk or stupid, so I owe him about a zillion little favors.)

Still, Tom, you can thank me later for leaving out the graphic descriptions of the vomity parts.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Garden Girl

I miss gardening.

When I was a kid, we had an enormous garden. If I had to guess, I’d say the different plots between our property and my grandparents’ next door must have been at least a couple of acres. In addition to the garden itself, we had peach trees, apple trees, cherry trees, plum trees, a big grape arbor, and a strawberry patch.

Our gardens were my dad’s “Zen time.” He was a welder, and he’d work all day, come home, have dinner, then head out to work in the garden. I was usually right there with him, “helping.”

We grew enough potatoes to last us and my grandparents the whole year, and stored the bushel baskets brimming with spuds down in an old well to keep them cool and sprout-free. There were enough zucchini to supply us and at least ten other families. We grew bushels and bushels of tomatoes, which led to a messy, labor-intensive process to can them. We’d quarter them, and boil them down in big kettles. Dad took a small electric motor and rigged it to the juicer with a pulley and fan belt so we didn’t have to crank it by hand. We’d scoop saucepans full of boiled tomato into the grinder, the seeds and skin would be extruded out the end, and the pulpy juice would pour out into yet another kettle. This would again be boiled and then put into canning jars all over the kitchen table. The “pop” of sealing jars would go on throughout the night. We had juice for soups and spaghetti sauce for the entire year. We froze bags and bags of green beans, “shuck” beans, and other vegetables. We had enough cabbage for the season, and plenty more to use in making sauerkraut (which smelled pretty disgusting fermenting in its briny solution in a stoneware crock in the hallway of our trailer).

All summer, we enjoyed onions, lettuce, beets, broccoli, green peppers, cucumbers, squash and melons. Even though dinner generally included some kind of fat-intensive fried meat, I imagine the plentiful fresh vegetables offset some of the artery-clogging.

I loved being in the garden with Dad. In Pap’s garage we had a 1950s-era tractor, which Dad would use each spring to plow and turn the soil. Then he’d work the whole area with his big roto-tiller. I liked to follow behind when the plowing or tilling was going on, enjoying the warm earth on my bare feet (yes, I am a hillbilly) and watching the worms scurry to relocate their disrupted tunnels. We’d mark out straight rows with sticks and string, then Dad would show me how to plant whatever we were putting in that day. I’d be meticulous as I placed each seed or seedling just the right distance apart, at just the right depth, placing a very precise amount of soil over it with my hoe. I loved planting things, and watching them grow. I wasn’t such a big fan of weeding.

Harvesting was usually fun. I loved when Dad would dig a hill of potatoes, as we discovered just how many were under each plant. I loved picking beets and peppers and onions, but for some reason I hated picking green beans. I once refused to eat any for months after Dad made me pick an entire row by myself.

I guess, by most standards, we were organic gardeners. I don’t remember ever using any pesticides or fertilizers. We had a couple of huge, car-sized mounds of tobacco, perhaps obtained from the old Marsh Wheeling Stogies plant, near the garden. I’d never heard the word “compost” then, but I suppose that’s what we were doing. Baking in the sun, the tobacco piles developed a thick crust on the surface, but if a little country girl with long, dark hair and perpetually skinned knees walked up on it and broke her feet through the crust (which I did all the time), the fragrant, moist tobacco beneath was always delightfully warm. Dad would spread this over the garden each spring, then till it into the soil.

(A shot taken five or six years ago of the road where we lived. It's paved now. It was dirt when I lived there. My grandparents' house is behind the pine trees at the left, and the large house just right of center is where our trailer stood. It's long gone.)

Gardening was a social event in our rural hilltop neighborhood. The houses were widely scattered, but when anyone saw us out in the garden, they’d venture up to visit. We would sit on the sun-warmed tarpaper cover on the old well that was located between the two largest garden plots. The well was about eight feet square and right at “bench” height. The men would drink a beer or two, chew Beechnut tobacco, talk about work, family, and hunting, and re-tell old stories. The kids would sit for a while, but unable to be still for long, we’d end up climbing the peach trees (except when they were ripe and the bees were too numerous) and chase lightning bugs. Then Dad and I would make our way through the field and back to the trailer, the evening dew chilly on my filthy, bare feet.

Did I have an idyllic childhood? I sure did.

The first several years Tom and I were married, we lived in apartments, which didn’t give me much opportunity for gardening. When we got our first house in 1990, I wanted to start planting stuff right away. We had a large flower bed along the front of the house, and I filled it with brightly-colored annuals. I planted a sizeable rose garden on the side of the garage, an herb garden by the backyard deck, and a wildflower garden at the furthest point of the yard. I didn’t really grow any “edibles,” though.

When we moved to Minnesota in 1996, I hoped to expand my gardening endeavors. The front flower beds were very small, but I always put something in them every spring. I finally put a larger shade perennial garden in front, once we got rid of the shrubs that had taken over that area, but it’s not doing as well as I’d hoped. The lilies and hostas do fine, but my wood violets are disappointingly stingy with the blooms.


(My shade garden, taken moments ago)

For a few years, I grew strawberries and tomatoes in containers on the deck. When we had our old cocker, Flash, I’d go out to find half of a berry or tomato nibbled away, still attached to the plant, which would have been annoying if it hadn’t been so funny.

Out in the back yard, there is a large sand-filled area bordered with railroad ties that used to house a swing set for the previous homeowners. I had a grand scheme to have the sand removed, some good black dirt put down, and a small fence around it (to keep the dogs out) so I could finally have my vegetable garden. One year, for Mother’s Day, Tom and The Boy got the riding mower and cart, and some shovels, and went out to remove the sand. About four inches down, they discovered a layer of cement! Should have known the guy who owned the house before us would find some way to screw this up for me. He’d also filled every bed and planting area with lava rock, and I still battle that to this day every time I want to plant something. We’ve put down mulch every summer for 12 years, but that damned rock is still just beneath the surface.

(Pool area, today. Three of the six barrels, and a few other pots of petunias, are along the right side of the pool.)

Most of my gardening is restricted to the barrels and pots around the pool area. I did put what I call my “grotto” in the small corner between the deck and garage, with a fake-rock waterfall and hostas, as well as some other little bushy thing (I have no idea what it’s called). I also have some ostrich ferns and lilies of the valley in the narrow, rectangular bed backing the garage. But that’s about it.

(Brody in front of the Grotto last summer. The hostas are way bigger and bushier now, but I have yet to find a good viney-thing to climb up the trellis I put behind the rock/waterfall.)

(The grotto today, minus Brody.)

There are many reasons I haven’t undertaken much gardening here. The sand/cement pit, of course. That’s a shame, because that would be a great spot, just the right size. Our lot has numerous large, leafy trees, meaning that finding the sunniest spots for a garden is difficult. We have a septic system, and the drain field for that eliminates a large portion of the yard. Not to mention the fact that the back yard belongs to the dogs. Their excavational tendencies, and habit of charging wherever and whenever they want, regardless of green and growing obstacles, would wreak havoc on any garden. In the front yard, those enormous trees create more shade than you’d want for optimal gardening conditions. If I used the farther side of the front yard, I couldn’t really see or enjoy whatever I’d plant. Plus, if I planted in the front, there is the constant risk of being out there when one of the neighbors was outside, and they would most likely attempt conversation. This is not desirable. I scout the area before so much as going to the mailbox.

With the backyard being Dog Safari Adventure and the front yard potentially being infested with neighbors, I have quite the dilemma.

Gardening is also a lot of work, but (strangely) this is not a factor in my lack of horticultural activity. Even though it kills my back, knees, shoulders, and other aging body parts, I’d still rather garden for two hours than clean my house for ten minutes. Don’t ask me what the difference is. I have no clue. It’s just one of my charming eccentricities, unless you’re my husband and can’t get near the clock radio to turn it off in the morning because of my sprawling laundry pile.

My barrels and pots of petunias, and even my grotto and shade garden, are not satisfying my gardening urge. I’ve been giving some thought to just why that is.


(Some of my pretty petunias)

When I was little, my mom always planted a flower bed in the space between our patio and the slide-out living room extension of our trailer (before we filled that area in with a covered porch). Dad was unimpressed. His often-expressed opinion was if you couldn’t eat them, plants were largely a waste of time. I didn’t think I believed that, but apparently on some level I do. My petunias are pretty. My hostas are handsome. My lilies are lovely. My ferns are fantastic. But I remain unsatisfied, because I don’t have fresh tomatoes to put on garlic bread and smother with mayonnaise. I don’t have cucumbers and onions to have (with more tomatoes) in a nice vinaigrette. I don’t have zucchini and yellow squash to grill. I don’t have fresh anything, and the stuff in the grocery stores, trucked from California, Mexico, and Peru, tastes like Styrofoam.

(Me in front of Mom's flower bed when I was about four. I have no idea what the hell I was doing in a dress.)

What to do? I guess the only way I’m ever going to get my garden is if we have someone backhoe out that stupid cement and fill the railroad tie area with soil. Then I can fence it, put a nice little gate with an arching trellis over it, a stepping-stone path down the middle (and a bench, for resting purposes), and finally plant something useful. Or maybe we could connect to the fence along the back of the yard, extending up to the railroad tie area. I don’t know. In any case, I think we’d have to bring in some black dirt or lots of compost, because most of our yard is pretty sandy, owing to the fact that our neighborhood is located in a big, sweeping bend of the young Mississippi River.

(My ferns, on the back side of the garage. They face the pool.)

This is what I want to grow: Tomatoes, green onions, zucchini, broccoli, carrots, beets, strawberries, blackberries, yellow squash, cucumbers, lettuce, spinach, green peppers… to start with. Maybe some herbs, though when I had my herb garden in Indianapolis, I mostly just rubbed their leaves and smelled them, then took bunches of everything to work to give to my friends who actually cooked.

I want my own roto-tiller, and I will break up the soil each spring, always in my bare feet (despite the hazards and potential loss of tootsies), so that I can feel the soft, warm earth. I want to place my seeds and seedlings and nurture them to maturity, and enjoy the delicious, healthy gifts they give me in return for my care. I want to see my garden in a gentle summer rain, enjoying the natural cycle (as well as the fact that it means I don’t have to water today).

See, now I’ve gone all sappy and Nature Girl. I’m not in danger of running off to join an organic vegan commune any time soon. But I really, really want a garden.


Friday, June 27, 2008

I Always Suspected My Head Wasn't On Straight

I've known all my life that I have my share of physical flaws. We all do, and - being a girl - I can see each and every one of mine, real or imagined, major or minor, life-long or brand-new. I won't bore (or disgust) you by itemizing them all here, but I will admit that several years ago I came to the realization that my nostrils are uneven. Well, the little dividing bit in the middle is crooked. Same thing. I try not to let it bother me.

Now, I've concluded that either my right eye or right ear must be misaligned, somewhat lower than its left-side counterpart. I base this on the fact that I've never had a single pair of glasses, either corrective or sun-type, that sat straight on my face. It can't always be the glasses, right? So it must be my head. I've already decided that creative eyebrow tweezing is most likely not a suitable method to try to camouflage this deformity.

So, I'll work on trying not to let this bother me, either. I'll just worry about the recent manifestation of the Basset Hound eye bags I inherited from my father. (Thanks, Dad. Oh, well, at least I didn't inherit his hair. He was bald.)

Once I Start, I Can't Stop

No, I'm not talking about drinking - but that is true, too. I'm talking about shopping. After I got home yesterday, having purchased the dress for the kids' wedding in January (in Florida, hence the non-wintery-ness of the chosen garment), I couldn't stop thinking about the green dress from Coldwater Creek. Thanks to my shopping excursion, I knew how their sizes run and what size to order. I was thinking the dress was some sort of poly-cotton or linen blend, or maybe a rayon blend, but when I went back to the website to visit "my" dress, I discovered it is, in fact, silk. So I ordered it.


Which, of course, totally negated the necessity of my earlier purchase. I could have just tried on dresses at Coldwater Creek, ascertained the appropriate size, and gone home and ordered it, saving myself the $63 I spent on the print dress at BCBG. (Hey, it was a $190 dress, so great deal!) However, after the dress-trying-on portion of the day, it was only about 10:50 AM, and the library didn't open until noon, and I totally didn't want to drive home and then go back out to the library later. I figured I had some time to kill, so why not browse. So I browsed. Then I inadvertently shopped. Even if I wanted to - which I don't - the print dress at BCBG was a final clearance, and therefore not returnable.

Tom helpfully pointed out that our dinner the night before the wedding might require a dress, so maybe I really do need two. The dresses I bought for our cruise three years ago don't exactly fit anymore, so I totally don't have anything in my closet for dressy occasions.

So, that's it. I'm officially done shopping. Which is fortunate, because my credit card is pretty nearly maxed out. Until I improve my "bottom line," shopping and I need to take a break from each other.

Just when I was getting good at it! But it's hard to mess up a dress purchase. One piece, no matching required.

Of course, I still have to buy shoes. Eh, that can wait.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

I Shopped! Really!

Just a quickie post (for me, anyway) about my quest for the dress for the kids' wedding in January. I know, that's not like next week or anything, but dangly details make me anxious. Plus, Fabulous Fiancee is having necklaces made for the moms and grandma, so we needed to know what color I'd be wearing.

Before I put the picture up, let me tell you how it all transpired. I headed to Coldwater Creek, because I had three dresses I'd seen online, and I thought I should try some of their dresses on for size, so I'd know what size to order. (Answer: 8) They had none of the dresses there, but I tried on one in a similar style. Too much to ask for them to have actually had the dress I wanted in the store, obviously.

Then I thought, "What the heck, I'm at the Outlet Mall, I'll wander down to Dress Barn." That was a bust, because the Dress Barn inventory now contains only about 10% dresses. They really need to consider re-naming the place "Slacks and Stuff."

I trekked clear over to the other part of the Outlet Mall (this place is huge!), figuring I'd go into Liz Claiborne. They have good stuff, and it's not all cut for 14 year old girls. However, they (like most places, it seems) can't seem to understand that some women would like to have some sort of sleeve, even if it is a summery dress. I was looking at a bunch of dresses which, had they not had spaghetti straps, halter tops, or tank-style sleeves, would have been perfect. Muttering, "Things need to be much more sleevier," I decided to wander the furthest reaches of the Outlet Mall, just to see what was there.

I discovered a BCBG shop, figured I had nothing to lose, since the library wouldn't open for another 25 minutes, and was delighted to find many, many oh-so-pretty dresses. Yeah, 90% of them had no sleeves, but still. I know, I know, I could buy a shawl or wrap or shrug or something, but that's just way too much bother. It has to match, has to suit the style of the dress, you have to lug it along on the trip or outing, then if it's too warm you have to carry it around. I need to find one item of clothing that just works as it is. I'm waiting for the day that jumpsuits come back in style. (Not really.)

The picture isn't very clear... it's a silky-type wrap style dress in shades of blue, tan and white. The pattern is little bitty feathers. The front of the skirt is gathered with some little pleats. A wee bit sexy, but still sophisticated, and I think it will pack well. Plus, it's not the kind of dress that will become a Fashion Disaster if I gain or lose a few pounds.

WHEW! I'm glad that's over! After my last shopping trip to Kohl's, which also turned out suspiciously well, Tom says I'm in danger of becoming a semi-competent shopper.

Don't hold your breath.

So... here it is!